Friday, October 5, 2018

Solitude is Communion




 © Susan Marie 

I have always been a solitary creature. Even when extremely extroverted, for that is who I inherently am, however, my initial need for absolute solitude the past few years, except for communication with one or two trusted humans, was to heal from the most hideous emotional pain I have felt in over fifteen years. 

During that time, I more fully recognized the emotional, psychological, spiritual, and eventual, physical benefits, of the necessity of solitude. 

The joy I feel in quietness, to hear the birds singing outside, the ticking of the clock, the call of wild geese, to dance to music, to sneak into nature and just simply BE, is necessary for elevation of the mental and emotional self.

Imperative for true elevation of the soul. 

What I discovered when I tapped back into technology [texting, instant messaging apps, Facebook], after a year or so of not utilizing what society deems “necessary sociable and acceptable means of communication”; and I view as a facade, fake, not reality and easy ways to miscommunicate; I started to experience anxiety, sadness, a disturbance in my own peace, an argumentative stance, anger, emotional confusion, and all of my energy stripped from my soul. 

    
I felt myself starting to become ill.
 
What does that tell you about the state of humanity? 


A necessary component of being a successful Clinical Mental Health Counselor [my current path], as well as an enlightened human soul, is to know self, via solitude and the entire time I have been healing, then focused on my education and career; I have been happy, secure, well with my place in this world, directed, on mark, existing on a plane suitable to my soul; the progression of self, loving and knowing myself, accepting myself fully. 

I am still on this journey. 

What I discovered is reconnecting to society via certain forms of technology, was utterly disturbing to my well being. 

I began to doubt myself, and instead of pleasing self, I fell into long tossed away destructive behavior patterns of pleasing others. 

Now I fought those behaviors internally, and externally, still kept my distance, for I know myself pretty well, however, starting to utilize technology in the above ways brought to me isolation, not connection, and for me, after so much absolute breathtaking personal freedom, technology was suffocating. 

I felt like I was stuffed into confinement. 

Which is interesting to me psychologically considering most people feel that solitude is confinement and loneliness, however, my solitude is peaceful and enlightening. I am not in absolute solitude by any means, I live a healthy, productive existence, however, the noise of society and feeling of responsibility that comes with using technology, is exhausting. 

In the book, Alone Together: Why We Expect More from Technology and Less from Each Other, by Sherry Turkle, the author states:
When we don’t have the capacity for solitude, we turn to other people in order to feel less anxious or in order to feel alive. When this happens, we’re not able to appreciate who they are. It’s as though we’re using them as spare parts to support our fragile sense of self.

Right now, after leaving some of technology behind, my heart is lighter and my spirit, grounded.

I am centered - away from the noise. 

There are people I love with my entire being and never wish to cease communicating with because they have beautiful souls, mean the world to me, people I trust with my life and have created lifelong soul-bond relationships with that are eternal, however, that does not mean I must be in constant communication. 

Instead of living for me, my betterment, that of this space here, myself and my family; I was anxiety ridden, worried, could not sleep or eat, my brain was on an endless loop of negative thinking. 

Unhealthy attachments and boundaries people have created to stuff, the need to constantly communicate, to have attention paid to them, to feel they must pay attention to others, being too busy, addicted to drama, and mass miscommunication, is essentially, fleeing SELF for an unreality, a coping mechanism that denies SELF, in turn, is the fear of seeking self, thus trying to FIND self in others. 

Everything I saw was fake, is false, a need and want for validation from others. 
 
I seek none of these things.


Solitude is a necessary component for loving and accepting self. It does not mean I want to be solitary forever or am always solitary, it simply means I love myself more than the demands and restrictions of societies. 

 
The positive aspect is recognizing when you are depleted, to stop, step back, regain your ground and reflect. 


I belong in this world, I do not belong in my past.

I sit here now, writing to you, peaceful.
Peaceful because being sucked back into what no longer serves my purpose caused me mental and emotional imbalance.  


Solitude is communion. 


*

The Road Not Taken 
by Robert Frost 

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.


© William Robert 

Sunday, September 30, 2018

Swan Songs







I cannot teach you languages,
nor histories of nations and men,
nor can I teach you of wars and rebellions;
but I can teach you of the stars and sky,
the silt and dirt of this dear Earth.


I can teach you why your heart flutters
at the sight of beauty
and why the touch of another
is the hand of a most holy angel.


I can show you galaxies undiscovered by mankind
until the reflection of your own soul appears,
in cloudbursts blanketing the sky.


I can tell you why your feet, bare,
long to hug the sand and soil.


You are a channel to the divine.
Do you not recognize the call of birdsong at early dawn?
How can you deny your breath and body?
It is made of the same elements as driftwood and thunder.


Your voice is that of lightning,
your breath,
the aether of ancient firmaments,
ones your ancestors sat and prayed beneath,
bedouins in the searing sun,
the sweetest eye of heaven.


Come, take my hand,
I shall lead you to yourself.


You have seen the well-worn path,
wooded and weary
by lakes and rivers.


You know the way, you may have forgotten.

Come, come follow me into what is known and unknown,
what is truth and fiction,
where there is no language,
only sight,
where swan songs are heard,
deep, meditative ruminations,
trumpeting supplications to the great Gods.


Come, come follow me into what is known and unknown,
what is truth and fiction,
where there is no language,
only sight,


and walk proudly, dear soul,
walk proudly,


into your rightful place
of existence.



© Photo & Words Susan Marie

Sunday, September 23, 2018

Like Lovers Do







 
My hands shake
beneath this precious dawn,
not for myself,
but for the fate of humankind,
a land I do not belong,


for my eyes see the peaks of Himalayas
in the tips of pine trees,
where bluejays perch,
contemplating their next flight,
and the grass,
as Whitman pondered,
this precious gift, otherworldly. 


No, I do not belong down here,
yet I am grounded,
for my spirit is in flight
with the hawk,
scrying above,
screeching solitary,
as a murder of crows
attempt to take it down
from the most holy sky,
yet fail,
again and again.


I see this world like a child,
wondrous and wide-eyed,
an explorer of my own soul,
the new dawn shines upon my chin, upturned,
and the breeze,
she tussles my long mane,
like a lover,
splaying my legs,
ever so gently,
apart,
to the virgin skies.


I belong in the waves,
meeting the shore,
the crashing of tides
beneath the moon, full.


I exist in the limbs of trees 
and the sound of my feet
bearing down upon this sweet Earth.


My soul longs for completion,
for respite from the dying world,

for I exist in both,

in a land where my voice is unknown
to the language of humankind.



© Photo & Words Susan Marie

Saturday, August 25, 2018

I Thank You






https://soundcloud.com/susan-marie/i-thank-you
 
You threw me away
like a second hand
used shoe
human being
with a heart


You threw me away
like tears
that fall from heaven
when clouds burst
volcanic
drenching us all
in divinity


But you,
you just threw me away


Like a rusted rim
rolling down the highway
some dusty remnant
of past
of lives lived
moments of
existence
now lying there
thirsty
beneath the ever so often
searing sun


Like waves that crash
endless upon the shore
you threw me up there too
and I became driftwood
floating
in uncharted territory


Like trees
that shed leaves
without emotion
or care
I fell
colorful and vibrant
Oh, so utterly alive
to the dirt and worms
to the dank silt of Earth


And you threw me there

Tossed me like a coin
flipped me upside my head
to my tail
over and over
and in your hands
I did not land
because you


You threw me away

And I landed not bent
broken or bruised
bur safely within wings
of the most holy angels


Because you threw me away

I rose

And you

are left still staring
where a coin used to be
held lovingly within your palm
safe
beneath that searing sun
the rainclouds and thunder
floating endless upon your own waves
landing on other shores


And because you threw me away

My dear soul,
My sweet loved
lover
loving -


Because
you
threw
me
away


I
thank
you.



© Image and words Susan Marie